Sunday 30th December

Sarek here … what a weekend! We realised that there was something in the bathroom (see picture above) – Khan and I caught its scent. It’s a girl, and we have overheard the name Ezri being bandied about. I have sniffed it nose to nose and believe it to be a she-kitten (fear the wrath of the she-kitten etc) and very sweet to boot … more to follow as the ghastly truth emerges.

Tuesday 15th January
Happy New Year to all our readers! More pictures of the she-kitten as she continues to exert her small, sweet, pervasive influence over the house and we older gentlemen …

The night of Sunday 27th January 2008 will live in infamy … having been rather poorly over the weekend with what might have been real flu rather than ‘manflu’, the man strayed downstairs to fetch cool water for his raw throat to find … POO. On the sink, in the bath, on the carpet, on the cistern, on the kitten herself and a FRESH-LAID RICHARD folded into the bath mat. Calling to mind the great dirty protests of the Maze Prison in its IRA heyday, Ezri had made her feelings felt regarding nights in the bathroom away from harm (and fun, she feels). In the words of the late great Frank Spencer, ‘The cat’s done a whoopsie’ – watch this space …

23rd February 2008
What news, what news? I am ginger, well-fed and an all-round happy bunny. Mister Khan is still big, still black and still raising his tail hither and thither like the veterinarian’s worst nightmare. And the she-kitten? This weekend is THE weekend – all change, no longer a prisoner in the bathroom but free to roam (within reason, no outdoors yet) and getting ready for her first night in the ‘sun’ room with Mister Khan (not me, I’m on the big bed stopping the covers coming off) while the man and woman sleep and dream of Belgian beer and the particular clear light of the mountains in northern Spain. Man has a new recording device so the ears of the world are once again at risk, woman is as ever a pillar of beauty and understanding … more soon

March 2nd 2008
Ezri is coming along very nicely. She has the woman on her side and the fool of a man eating out of her hand (‘She’s so pretty, look at her …’ gaaaahhhh! makes yer sick). I am still the only cat enjoying night-time privileges but once she’s seen the vet and has free run of the house, that’ll change, mark my words. Even Khan has gone soft over her, play fighting night and day and indulging in ‘chasums’ all over the house. Thank heavens for the red room and a bit of peace and quiet.

March 23rd 2008
Snow, sleet, rain, cold … only a fool would be out in this weather, which is why all three of us are in the house, and all the snugger for it. Ezri now has the freedom of the place at night but has not grasped the fundamental truth of the matter yet – that is, ‘sleep by day, sleep by night, wake just to poo, eat and fight’. Man and woman have been seen to emerge from their beds at all hours of the night with cries of ‘stoppit’ and ‘forGodsake’ and ‘she’s done one in the bath again’. Hilarious, my dears, just hilarious. Soon she will visit Saskia for ‘theop’ which I gather means that no raggedy old tom can put her ‘in the family way’ and then … yes, then constant reader … a new catflap, a new dawn and all out in the garden for a right good biff-up! Beware Stig and Jumble, beware one and all, cos Ezri is fast and she’ll go for your … hem-hem, more soon

April 24th 2008
Ezri – fiend, phantom, foul purveyor of the footlong, chaser, biter, springer, scratcher, food pest, eater of all, beauty and all-round heartbreaker. She has seen the vet and now, but for a patch of rapidly-growing hair on her side she’s completely seaworthy. She can clear the garden wall with a single bound and has confronted Mr Stig, bearding the beast in his own garden before fleeing through the gap in the fence.

May 17th 2008
Ezri has grown into a beautiful and dangerous creature, and her presence is felt in all the nearby gardens. Mr Khan dotes upon her (in an uncley way), and I like the fact that we’re back to full strength – just like the triumvirate of old. And the spirit of Tuvok is strong with her – when she drinks from the drain cover, pelts upstairs for no reason or simply puts her ears back and glares, the boy is back …

June 2008
The garden is looking lovely and so, in a gingery way, am I! There are tomatoes, nasturtiums, poppies, in fact you name it – it’s a riot of colour no-one predicted (no pun – Kaiser Chiefs). The creeping terror that is Mr Stig continues to menace like a ghost from every fence and wall – hopefully a picture soon to immortalise the old fiend. Jumble bullies his way through the Summer, but Ezri is not yet full-grown – we shall see… Mr Khan continues to soften, particularly in the presence of the woman but maintains his attitude of ‘bite now scratch later’ with the man. The kitten Hannah persists in smuggling her own boy-kitten Jack into the back bedroom at every opportunity but enough said about that hem-hem. More pictures of the she-kitten playing in her brand-new cat tunnel to follow – stay tuned

August 2008
Man and woman are back from ‘krakov’ telling tales of hot weather, many many stairs and ‘bisongrass vodka’, which apparently led to the man retiring ‘hurt’ on the Friday evening, helped back to the apartment by the saintly woman. We are, of course, glad that they had a good time but were also grateful in our own way for the peace and quiet … ah well. Woman still has time off to spare and we will enjoy her company, while the unfortunate man has to return to work on Monday to the new staffing and management arrangements and keeping his big mouth in check (yeah, right). Ezri the she-kitten is still most gorgeous and Khan most mellow … and myself, dear reader? What I am is regal, ginger and enjoying the sweet summer nights – more soon

September 2008
Well, well – here we are again. Sunny today (15/9/08) and all out in the garden? Not really. Khan has stretched his mighty body across the sun room couch and I am sprawled on the red bed after a good lickin – exhausted but clean! Some news on the dental front … whether by accident, design or as an homage to my own ‘three-fangedness’, Khan seems to have mislaid his upper-right fang, perhaps in the paperboy’s leg, perhaps in the back of Stig’s neck … anyhow it’s gone, baby, gone. He seems unfazed but must visit the vet to be on the safe side, although his anger and all-round big-blackedness remains undiminished.
And wot of the kitten I hear you say? Wot indeed. She is the terror of the local undergrowth, strong enough to bite through the duvet and leap a sleeping man (or woman) at a single bound. Man and woman enjoy her antics with the usual appreciative cries of ‘ow!’ and ‘gettoff’. All well and good. Man’s collection of electronic devices continues to expand and his 50th birthday is looming. He dreams and thinks and broods (as ever) but just needs to escape this rotten little town (as we all do) and get some mountain air in his lungs and a glass of the old Spanish vino in his wrinkly mitt.
More soon …

September 29th 2008
HAPPY BIRTHDAY EZRI!?! One year old and never been kissed (yeah, right) – a special teatime of Alaskan salmon and she’s off into the garden all paws and claws to terrorise the neighbourhood. What will the next year bring? The terrible twos? More to follow …

October 5th 2008
Man has appeared with a wounded eye, but is so embarrassed about the circumstances surrounding it that the mystery persists. We have overheard the words ‘medication’, ‘anger management failure’ and ‘weedy wet could not hurt a flea’ bandied back and forth. Has he learned his lesson? Must the estimable sensei Mr Khan render him the most important lesson in any conflict, even the stupid pointless and weedy (did we cover weedy?) ones – that is, try to dodge the punches rather than quelling the force with your stupid face. Will he listen? We’ll see …

October (various)
The man seems to believe in his superstitious way that mentioning something while you’re hoping to fix it will somehow cods the whole deal, so he’s kept quiet while the she-kitten has struggled with a bad eye. But now it’s better, and the public needs to know that Ezri bore the whole thing stoically (six visits to the vets, five different drops and medicines and the sorest eye that I’ve certainly ever seen) while the man fretted, worried, went sleepless to work and generally got cross and mopey – jeez, what a big baby! Now it’s all behind us and she’s back, two green eyes blazing and as fit as a fiddle … in fact the number of times she’s chased me I’m not sure it’s for the best, but that was a sore eye and no-one, not even ‘she of the bared fangs’ deserves that. More pictures soon when the man has extracted his finger and processed them. Fire ahoy! I’m off down the lounge …

November 2008
Man is 50, no two ways about it. Woman made his birthday a super treat with 50 separate presents and treated him far better than he deserves. Perhaps he will be less mopey now this landmark has been reached and actually get on with something. Logs are in, so is coal, kindling at the ready! Roll on a real cold snap, even tho’ the heating is fixed you can’t beat the feel of a real fire on the belly and nethers. Just don’t mention Christmas … feel free to talk turkey though!

Xmas 2008 | A narrow escape …
Ding-dong farely merrily, as Molesworth sa. Up came the sun on Christmas morn, angels ruffled their wings sleepily and the sound of church bells drifted across the quiet land.
Too quiet, says Ezri, and sets off to play with the traffic

10.00 am – Ezri in the garden, scuffed and limping, in she comes and hides behind the sofa. What is wrong with her? The Clash fought the law, Ezri fought a car, both lost. Off to Mr Cooper the vet, bravely working on Xmas Day, thankfully, and jabs and meds galore, all at Xmas prices, the sales having not yet started. Gah!! Thankfully just a bruised shoulder and some scuffed claws but VERY LUCKY! What would Tuvok have said? Back in time for sausage rolls and a stiff drink. Has she learned her lesson? Seven lives left … we shall see. Meantime, God bless us, every one especially ginger me and black black Khan who tried to tell man and woman something was wrong.

January 2009
It never rains but it pours. No sooner is Ezri feeling much better and chasing cats, feet, mice etc. all over the house than this happens.
Mr Khan, sufferer from an itchy-mouth virus on and off, starts with his nail-biting mouth-scratching business and is off to see Mr Cooper at the vets. Mr Cooper is pessimistic and suggests ‘the old cancer’ has struck in the boy’s mouth after him losing his tooth. Ghastly, but man and woman keep a stiff upper lip and deliver him to the vets for further study. Anaesthetised, poked and cut, he nonetheless awakens in fine form to hear the vet become more hopeful as scant signs of cancer are found but bone and tooth fragments are removed from his fizzog. Biopsy is pending, but signs are good that ‘the big C’, bane of the man and woman’s family, may have missed his grip on the black boy and slithered into touch. Paws crossed, eh? Now who’s for a chase up the stairs?
MEDICAL ADDENDUM | Good news from Mr Cooper after Khan’s second visit – there is no sign of a tumour and Khan’s bad lip is returning to normal and healing nicely. Score one for the home team, go Sox etc. etc.

February 2009
Man and woman mumbling and whispering about ‘prarg’ again – beer, apartment with plasma screen, chance of snow, DVDs, beer – and so on. Should be a peaceful week with woman’s sister (extra portions), woman’s mother (no names, just ‘puss’) and man’s daughter (oo-er, party girl made good). Bed choice, space allowance, lack of pestering all due to increase, but we shall await their return with Czech-based treats. Ezri due to see Mr Cooper to have her poor little eye (gah!) sorted out with salty water and so on. All well otherwise except man a bit miserable in the face of possible ‘riddundansey’ – this is not a cat word, explanations please.

Another good cat gone to the great meadow in the sky. Mr Reg, formerly of Railway Cottages and latterly of Robertsbridge has bid us all adieu and gone to spend his feline forever with Doug, Dinsdale and of course, the mighty Tuvok!
Faretheewell, old tabby and may the mice be everywhere in that eternal golden morning …

April 2009
Man and woman back from Brighton complaining of aches and pains after traversing something called ‘Cukmir Hayvn’ – but both have a suntan on one side where they have spent too long at the Golden Galleon public house. We in the meantime have had a quiet time, and are only awaiting treats now to excuse their absence. More to follow soon …

More April 2009
Weather has been fine and much activity in the house. Woman has single-handedly reorganised the sun room and the kitchen to create more space and a ‘cleaner through-feel’ (House Doctor, Channel 4). She has been overheard planning to ‘do’ the rest of the house, and we are all in favour. Sun room is now clearer and cleaner, and we each have a dedicated space to inhabit. Man has helped as best he can, but is dreading his return to work where tempers are frayed and blame is being apportioned for crimes real and imagined. The poor man needs a proper job, and the Great God Pan help him before he gets too much older. More soon

Even more April 2009
Ezri … fiend, filcher of treats, mistress of the district, sleeper, fighter, ‘trapped of the lounge’, biter, chaser etc. etc. – suddenly she’s under the weather, looking bedraggled, not eating, off her food, hiding under the bed – and keeping one eye on the man and woman to see if they’re quite worried enough. Into the basket, up to Mr Cooper’s, £53.00 later she’s back and after a nap in the study, she’s off and gone – no thanks, not even a backwards glance. I’m surprised the man has not turned to drink (more) but at least she’s well again so watch your tails as you climb the stairs.

June 2009
All change at the old homestead! Man has FINALLY ESCAPED FROM THE HORROR of working at WATERSTONE’S!?! There, we’ve said it. He hated it with a mighty hate, and he will be happier than can be described when he walks out of the dreaded mall for the last time on June 5th 2009 at 5.30pm. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!?! With my own ginger ear I have heard him say he has a new job in a nearby village of leafy greenness, where he will have his own chair with gas strut, a window with a real view of leaves and trees and he will be able to sit down ALL DAY, having stood up for TWELVE YEARS!?! Life will be happier no doubt without his moaning … more soon!